ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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