just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
