They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
