Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
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Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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