Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
