i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
