WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
please come you make the beer taste better
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I intend to get homeless drunk
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
