I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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