"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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