she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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