i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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