I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
