everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
