is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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