just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
