he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
