dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
