We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
