seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
