matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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