It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I supernannyed him into submission
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
