y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
