my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
