just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
