If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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