I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
