I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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