I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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