i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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