Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
