Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
