Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
