1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just pynch a tree in the face
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
