I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
