You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
