he thought i was a dude.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
