I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Randomize
