Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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