if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
