yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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