i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
