Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
