it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
