I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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