??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Randomize
