shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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