I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
