I am in a vortex of obligation.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
