remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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