Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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