Will you blow on my dice?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
