My friends, they love my intelligence
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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