I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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