Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
