i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
