I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
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Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
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I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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